Day 4 of unemployment. I am in free fall now. I have no safety net - no income, no insurance.

When the cancer journey first began, I felt that life had changed on so many levels - where I lived, what I did with my days, where I did my work, even the food I ate. The one thing I clung to to help me through the treatment was the light at the end of the tunnel - the job. I just wanted my life back. I wanted to work on my projects again, do something where I felt I was in control.

All the treatment, it was the cancer in control - and the doctors, and the boss. I was simply taking orders. Everyone else had more knowledge about the situation than I did. I, being a layperson, certainly had to trust the doctors' knowledge. And the work situation - well, I was put on ice, not told anything about what was going on with the business, was able to attend only one regional conference call because the rest were scheduled at times when I had radiotherapy. Information is power, and I did not have as much information as the other players.

Now, the light at the end of the tunnel has gone. I have entered an adjoining tunnel that even murkier now than the one before. I saw another headhunter today and he tells me that people will only hire me if I can show I am cured. Have people forgotten that cancer is incurable as such, that even when you pass the 10 year milestone, it could still come back? Bottom line: I am not employable.

Being retrenched with the prospect of a job someday is one thing. Being retrenched with the prospect of no job, ever again, is another more frightening prospect. With no expectation of a regular income, and with the possibility of a recurrence ever present, one worries about how I will fund the treatment. And after the treatment, if I am unable to work during, what will happen?

Today, I heard a small voice: if you believe that God has cured you, (which I use to say I did), why do you need insurance?

That stopped me short. I did say I believed that God's hand was in my journey, that he was in control and I just had to relax and let him drive. It was all ok when things we going smoothly. Now that we have hit a bump, I am anxious, worried sick.

This brings into focus my faith. I know that it is weak right now. I keep talking to God, asking him questions, pleading with him, even getting angry. But true faith would let Him drive the car. Faith would mean ceding control to Him, admitting that I am not, and should not be in control of my life because it belongs ultimately to the One who gave it to me.

This is where I am at now. Can I do that? Dare I do that? I am afraid of dying, of a recurrence. But faith would mean that I say, if and when this happens: Thy Will be done. Can I do this?

It is really hard. The answer is, I am so tired right now, I am saying it. Will I say it when I feel more energetic? In other words, how sincere am I?

I don't know. We will see. I pray now, rather weakly because I am not sure it will work, for faith and strength. I am going need both, in spades.