Why do people cling to the old ways, even when they know that they have no place in their lives anymore? Why do men, for example, chase after sweet young things when they have lost the first flush of youth and have a devoted wife and kids waiting for them at home? And why do some people seem to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again?

I ask myself these questions as I begin my tentative steps along the next turn of my cancer journey - as one of the new Untouchables walking amongst the masses in mainstream life, a cancer survivor. The word is not mine, it was used to me by another breast cancer survivor highlighting that we are uninsurable, and unemployable. Why do I mourn my old job, the life I had in Shanghai although people have been reminding throughout the past 10 days that I was never really happy in Shanghai, and that I did not even particularly enjoy my job?

I think the answer to all these questions is quite simple - because the past signals a time when 'I could'. That's it. That's why men cheat, why women shop, and whiney kids cling to apron strings. It is also why people hold on to bad habits, and cowards don't usually change.

Familiar experiences are those which we have gone through before, and have established a comfortable coping mechanism for. They become, by the power of blurred-at-the-edges memory, a time when we were in control, masters of the experience. Even if we recognise on some level that the behaviour is not exactly us at our best, we will justify it, reluctant to admit things could have been done differently, because this would require an attitude adjustment, and some change. It would require letting in a new experience and risking a loss of control.

Life is a series of new experiences - some scary, some ho-hum. But when we are invited to take that step off the cliff into the abyss without the safety net, that can be terrifying, and so we revert to familiar patterns to make us feel better. Often, these patterns come with a cost but our desperation for the comfort of being in the driver's seat makes us ignore the implications.

Such is the human desire for security - almost a basic survival need. It is therefore not surprising that when threatened with possible loss of one's rice bowl, such as in a period when the company says retrenchments are on the cards, people begin to act in ways that are - what they feel - out of character. Circumstances forced me, they say. The sweet young thing made me, they say. The dress called to me. Mummy held my hand.

I find myself regretting that I no longer have the job, despite its issues. What faces me is very exciting - indeed, while convalescing, and thinking about what I could do for cancer activisim if I remained in Singapore, I had thought that the path I am now on would be exhilarating.

Ha! Now, I find myself backtracking, railing at God for allowing me to be retrenched, for the pathetic retrenchment payout I am getting. I want the old life, crap though it may have been. It's what I know, a time when I could. Three pep talks a day - that's what I give myself now. Hopefully, I will talk myself into loving the freefall. Every day is a new experience. I am learning all sorts of things all the time, from how to register a business, to setting up a home office and registering a domain name. In the old days (!), I could simply order it done. Now, I have to get my hands dirty - exciting, but scary. What if I can't do it?

Last question - who is the real person? The person we see see when things are hunky-dory, or the one we see when the chips are down? I have always believed we all have a base self which is the jumping off point for all our other selves (put it down to endless hours of character analysis during English Lit.). So, is the man really a cheater, or really just a loving husband who just slipped...once? Is the man who is a known corporate backstabber really just a nice guy with cutting wit? Is the woman who acts like little girl lost to get men to fight her battles for her just a manipulative you-know-what? I will leave you to puzzle this out, Dear Reader!

I find myself with a choice - to be bitter about being retrenched at the end of a tough induction into the cancer journey, or to take life by the horns and enjoy every buck and toss. Which person am I really? Right now, I am putting away the old, albeit not without a little sadness. What comes next? Well, I am determined to enjoy every buck and toss. I will loosen my grip on the familiar, the old. You only live once after all.

So, life - here I am. Come and get me!