Today, I awoke hyperventilating...again. But I am feeling ok now. I have been actively on the phone trying to sort out my future, clear away the debris from the past and, to put it simply, to move on.

I re-readed some of my past blog posts and became thoroughly ashamed of myself. I had had so much more 'chutzpah' a few months, or even weeks ago, and in the past few days I had become a sad sack.

Well, no more. I remind myself that I don't know how much time I may have left (in fact, none of us knows), but whatever it is, it is too little to spend even one hour being down in the mouth. Crap hits the fan all the time, life hands us lemons. One deals with it, gets over it.

I guess, looking back, I had been expecting this axe for months. I also guess I was hoping against hope that somehow, a higher side of humanity would show itself, rather than the logical pragmatic side of business where people are merely numbers on a spreadsheet. Never mind, it is not the first time I have been disappointed, and it certainly won't be the last.

On the flip side (and this is where my faith will rest and grow) people, over the past couple of days, have stepped forward to offer to help, and will continue, I believe, to take active steps to help me, encourage me, support me. I am not to be felt sorry for. I have things to do, places to go and people to see.

I am going to live. That's key. I am going to contribute and be valued as a human being, with a contribution to make. How, and in what form that contribution will be - that is being mulled over right now. Stay tuned.

I am handing over to God. I will do my human bit, my best human bit, then hand over to God. That's all I can do. I will not worry at things, panic over things, envision the worst thing happening.

Life - at its fullest - is my mission from now on. I am going to live.