Living a life of significance. That is how a friend referred to the search for meaning that many people term a mid-life crisis. Once one reaches a certain age, one begins to assess the life lived so far, and its value. Sure, you may have financial secuity, a good job, a family and a 'place' where you belong, whether you define that space as your apartment, your country or the bosom of your family. But all this, I think, is different from 'significance'.

To me, a life of significance is one where you leave a legacy. It does not have to be a monumental one, and you don't have to have a hospital wing named after you. But most of us want a life that has meant something to someone, so that when you are gone, your going will be keenly felt, and your contribution goes on, somehow.

People with families, who are the breadwinners, to me, have it easy. Once they are gone, they will most certainly be missed, simply because of the practical function they perform. People who are single, like me, have it harder, because, we are not 'significant' in the same way. So, we have to work a little harder to fnd our 'space' or niche.

I am now looking at the final phase of my treatment for cancer. I anticipate being able to go back to work by mid Feb, about 10 weeks down the track. Looking back, I guess I never once let it enter my mind that I would not get through the treatment in good form, and be fit and ready to assume the reins of my job in Shanghai. I look at this treatment as a mere bump in the road towards corporate success.

However, the ease with which I have been shunted aside by the company and my boss these past few months tell me that this is not the 'significance' I now want. Only the people who reported to me, whom I might have been able to mentor in some way, might say that I played a role of some 'significance' in their lives. For the rest - out of sight, out of mind.

The next step still remains a blur. People of faith would simply quit the job and wait for God (or the universe) to open the next door. However, I have been there and done that, and I simply do not want to be unemployed again. If I look back at the experience, it was not unpleasant - God certainly provided for me and I think I was even happy being gainfully unemployed! But I cannot willingly chose that route.

Does that life of 'significance' mean that I have to go out on a limb before the door will open? I know that once I go back to the job, I will be so preoccupied (such is the nature of my obssessive personality!) that I will lose sight of the plan to find 'significance'. This is what happens to most of us. One day, you have a job that absorbs you, the next, you are retired and wondering what to do with your days because we do not have a certain 'connectedness'.

I do not know what the answer is, but I do know that I need more of a...connection. It could come through the job. Or, it could come from something outside of the job, but in China. I am told to remain open, to work on discerning the signs. Yeah, right.

Meanwhile, I will take some baby steps to doing something apart from the job that interests me. Let's see what happens.

In my brother's words: come on, lah, God! Still waiting...