This post is about perceptions. So many times when we talk to someone we unconciously make judgements about that person - not to be trusted, nice guy, idiot, twerp, meanie, jackass. Sometimes it is simply because they do not respond as we expect them, want them or need them to. Then, the epithets and adjectives roll. I am very good at this, and recently, with the looming prospect of going back to work, find myself sprinkling in my conversation rather more colorful adjectives than I have over the past seven months.

Likewise, I am sure, many people make similar judgements about me, based on whatever clues or personality indicators I put out or what someone might have said - or not said - or even the way they might have said this.

Here's the thing. We all make judgements about people and situations all the time - it is part of our survival mechanism. Yet, over the past few months, while I have had more than my fair share of people coming forward to support me in my cancer journey, there were also some people who managed to disappoint me - and these were people whom others would have said were 'nice' and from whom I would have expected more. Thankfully, there were many, many more people whom I had not expected to give two hoots who, actually, did - and I am profoundly grateful for these people. Their actions have somehow eased the cancer burden, and allowed me a little more faith in the Almighty - these are, after all (to me, anyway) his angels sent to support me.

I have therefore learnt that while we make judgements, we need to stop and test those judgements. Are we being fair? How did we arrive at our conclusions? Is our source trustworthy? Many times, we simply have a 'feel' about that person - and I believe these are usually the most accurate. But we need to give people a chance - a chance to be better than we expect. To give them the opportunity to be good. Too often, because this is a hard world, and because many of us have experienced disappointments and let-downs in our relationships, we simply determine that people are going to behave badly and respond to them based on expected behaviour, misperceptions, rather than real behaviour.

I have learnt, through tough experiences, to listen to my gut, but still to reserve judgement until I have proof. I make few assumptions these days. Rather, I spend more time waiting to see and basically holding my peace. This is tough in our fast paced world where he who makes the first judgement call wins the prize - and we are all rushing to win the prize.

The 25/75 rule works here - that what we see is only 25% of the situation. There is alot more going on beneath the surface and once we acknowledge this, try to ferret out the 75%, it becomes clear that most people are decent types, just trying to do the best they can, in the way they know best. No idiots, jackasses, twerps, meanies. Everyone has their story. The truth of the matter is that their story is different from ours, and has made them mereely different from us - not worse. A judgement of 'worse than', says more about us, really, than about them.

(Here I talk about the broad everyday cohort of human beings, not the Hitlers, Amins, and Pol Pots of the world - although I am sure they too have their stories).

I now try - with widely varying degrees of success - to hold myself back from judgement, until I can articulate the judgement evenly. This takes more time and words than a simple 'jackass', and is less fun, less visually entertaining. But it is also a more responsible form of communication.

Hey, look! Maybe I have grown up - about 2 more cm in the maturity ratings?!!!