Well, they warned me that there would be days like today - bad days, depressing days. More hair came off in the shower today - the hair fall is less even now. Today, I look like a dog with mange. In a word, I look ghastly.

I have never been particularly concious of my looks, since they were never really what I considered one of my 'core assets'! But I do look bad now. I look ill. And no matter how I tell myself that I am ok, that I'm doing ok, I guess I really am not.

Today is a day that I am re-learning lessons I thought I had learnt about faith, about trusting in God, and allowing him to work in my life. I am having to acknowledge that my faith is not as strong as it could be. I have to forcibly remind myself, as I did when I had to learn my mathematical formulas in school, that God has proven himself trustworthy before when I had need of Him and that He will prove Himself again. Somehow, though, today, it all rings rather hollow, like so much blah blah blah. There is no soul-echo.

Concerns about job stability, financial security, ability to keep paying for treatment because all the insurance companies are looking to squirel out of their obligations...there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

Again, I have to acknowledge that this is a day-by-day journey - one day at a time, one step at a time, one decision at a time. The rest we must leave up to God - hard for a type A control freak like me. Taking the quiet way forward is so un-me!

But I will have to anchor my faith somehow. I will. I will...somehow, I tell myself. But even as I do so, I know that this is not the way forward.