I cannot stand Singapore. There. The pressure-cooker cooks up unpleasant, tense people. And the government, thinking that this breeds exceptional people, intends to keep the pressure on. In my Zen-like state (complete with hair-do), I find this rather tiring and simply draining.

Today, I was in my usual good mood. Why not, after all, I am still on leave from work, and basically have only myself to please. During the course of today, I ran into two people from IBM -yes, Big Blue, with whom I used to work and which, contrary to many opinions, I thought was one big behemoth that simply proved that that was a God - ie, how had it stayed in business for so long, prospering for so long? it had to be nothing less than a miracle. Size does matter.

The first person was someone I worked with 5 years ago, who had a been a very nice, polite mild-mannered type. Today, not recognising me, he gave me a ticking off for having the gall to veer into his path as he powered his way down a sidewalk. I was struck dumb, had no terse reply - blame it on residual chemo-brain.

The second person I had coffee with. Even before sitting down she had launched into a litany on her new (and impossible) job, all the while shaking her legs and thrumming her fingers on the table.

Both reminded me of myself and what it was like to be on the fast track and the toll it takes on you. You have to live, eat and breath your job. There are not enough hours in the day to do all that needs doing. People cannot converse - they have to spit it out, and get on with it - pronto! The job consumes you, and who you are depends on the last performance appraisal and whether your colleagues like you.

Question: are these two people really happy? I look back at my life and I recall people asking me: are you really happy? What's not to be happy about, I replied. I have a great job, am doing well, and have prospects. Why shouldn't I be happy.

Well, at this point in my life, looking back, looking around at these other people, I realise that they cannot be happy, as I was not happy. That in fact, although currently a cancer survivor who lives with the fear of demise on a daily basis, I am much happier now than I was before. And that, in fact, I really do not want to go back to the corporate rat race. I want to continue on the happy-ness path.

So, I did not have a quick retort for the guy who ticked me off. Does it matter? Not really. So, the finger thrummer has a great job and any headhunter would be able to place her in 2 seconds flat. Does it matter that I cannot say the same for myself? Not really. I am glad I am now able to sit down to a meal without hyper-ventilating through the starter!

I look at them, and it seems that God is reminding me of what I am asking for - a job in the corporate world, a paycheck, even while I want to serve and answer his call. He seems to be asking - remember what it was like? Do you really want this?

The answer is 'no'. I still need the paycheck, sure. But I do not want the fast track any more. I am not interesting in chasing the next promotion. What I am interested in is a job that combines a meaningful outreach effort with a good pay check.

Don't laugh! It is possible - we are talking about the God of Miracles here. So - fingers crossed! (And toes, too!).

It has been almost three weeks since my last post, and what a time it has been! I have been run off my feet over insurance matters - mainly, with trying to manage the spate of stories which was run in the Straits Times, Singapore's main English languaage daily, over the fact the my insurance company has refused to admit my claim for breast cancer, citing that it is a condition that pre-dates the inception of the insurance contract. To me, this is terribly unfair and I am disputing this.

Secondly, I had confirmed a date for my return to Shanghai - March 1. Recently, however, I was asked to remain in Singapore to meet the head of human resources. This is not a good thing! At the very least, they will want to relocate me back to Singapore. At the most, they are will retrench me. Without dwelling too much on the ins and outs of this matter, the question of the moment is: What is going on, God?!!!!

I had a long discussion with my spiritual counsellor about some of the events that have been interrupting my life since 2001, all in the area of my career. To say the least, things have been extremely rocky. I think I have lived several lifetimes, job-wise, over the past 5 years. I have been lead, working 18-hour days, in a PR agency, worked as a marketing director, run a call centre (yeah, needs must!), lectured on customer relationship marketing in an MBA degree course, did relief teaching in the worst school in Singapore, and in one of the best, taught English to Indonesian students wanting to enter a Singapore school and even did market research, and most recently, ran internal communications for APAC.

I have managed teams ranging from 25 people to 1, mostly inherited from previous managers. In all cases, the turnover was horrendous, mostly because I had to keep retrenching people. I think I must have managed every personality type on the planet, from the guy who saw the office as a source of party partners, to the woman who would show up at work in man's shirt (hanging out), a faded sarong and a pair of rubber flop flops. Then, there was the middle-aged woman who spent her lunch hours weeping at her desk. There was the guy who missed most deadlines because his father had diabetes (yeah, right), and once went AWOL for a week because he said the flu medication knocked him out for 5 days straight so he did not hear his phone ringing (he got up in time for the weekend, though). There was the team leader who never showed up (I learnt how to fire someone in absentia) and the Singaporean chick who pretended she was ang moh and refused report to a mere Singaporean, ie me. Really, I alternated between feeling like a social worker or that I was administering a lunatic asylum. What it also means is that I have worked for some of the worst organisations ever - poor hiring practices to me mean poor leadership.

My spiritual director said back then,when I was in between jobs, that she saw my life in the context of the book of Job. Last night however, when I said that there was chance I might be retrenched (again!) - just what I need right now - she said that there was something else going on. She said that I am being called by the big 'G' up there to serve in some way, that the ups and downs and life interruptions have all been training.

Isn't that frightening? I just want to be a beige person, with a regular job, with nice perks like business class travel, and a job that allows me to go home at a reasonable hour each day. I don't even want to be a big cheese with people to manage. I just want to sit quietly in a corner somewhere. But now I am being called and, given just the past 8 months of my life, the call seems to be fairly insistent.

Why do I hesitate? How dare I hesitate? First of all, I am not sure what it is I am supposed to do. All right, I have some idea, but you know what, it does not pay any money. I still need a job and a career path. I am told to have faith and to trust God to provide. To be honest, all through the past horrible years, he has provided. But I really cannot take the uncertainty that is God's way of making sure you lean on him absolutely, for daily bread. I like to own the wheat field and have the oven all fired up.The idea of being retrenched again is terrifying.

Secondly, I don't know what I would be without a job. I have spent most of my adult life building my sense of identity around my job function. However, from the point of view of eternity, this is useless and even stupid. I have to build my identity as a daughter of God. This is a major paradigm shift, made even scarier because the Father is invisible.

Thirdly, what's the game plan? What do I do, who do I speak to? Gee, it's all a whirl. So, once again, like the cancer journey (so that's why I had to go through it!), it is one day at a time, one step at a time, one decision at a time. In essence, I do not see how I can refuse. If I have only a little time left, I really should stop pfaffing around and begin preparing for eternity ( although I really hope is it many, many years away for me). I just hope that it comes with gainful employment and enough of a paycheck so that I can take the luxury trans-Siberian train ride in a couple of years, and plan one exotic holiday a year from now to...whenever.