In spite of my shopoholic, MaxMara-holic self, I have now a what I have always wanted but had never seemed to be able to manage - a quality capsule wardrobe.

I am still losing weight, and when I realised this a month ago after my bracelet flew off my wrist during a tai chi session, I panicked. Was it the cancer coming back? I really had no reason to lose the weight, having just returned from an eating binge in Penang. I had also just moved back into my apartment, and with no pots or pans, and sheer fatigue, I was eating out quite a bit. In other words, I should have been putting on weight.

A year ago, my weight loss would have prompted a celebration. After all, I have been on one diet or another since I was 13. Now, weight loss prompts panic. I rushed to the nearest doctor's clinic to weigh myself. The nurse had no idea what to make of the near hysterical person who rushed in, asked to use the weighing machine, stood on it, looked at the reading and rushed out. She did not have time to even get a word out. (Ok, she did bleat something but I couln't be bothered to respond). Weight on the scale had inched up!

The recent PET scan made me feel better - no sign of cancer. So, the weight loss must be good. To be on the safe side, I have bought myself a digital weighing scale - the better to detect every single fluctuation.

Now, I can celebrate the weight loss and my new wardrobe. I used to buy nothing but black - because I spent most of my money on work clothes and black is the colour du jour in the corporate world AND because it made me look thinner. Now, I am able to buy loads of colour and indeed have made a vow never to buy black again! I am buying funky jackets, cropped trousers, sequinned tops, and for the first time ever in my life, I own SEVEN pairs of jeans. I bought them simply because I could get into all of them. I remember once, during an offsite meeting, my boss told me to wear jeans because the dress code was casual. I had to buy a men's pair because there was not a single woman's pair in all of Singapore I could get into.

As of last night, I am still paring the wardrobe down. The only things which still fit are the stuff I have bought since January. Ergo - capsule wardrobe with colours, and polka dotted attitude.

My life is becoming pared down too. I work from home, eat most meals at home, and live simply and quietly. It is quite a contrast from rushing around at work, from meeting to meeting, getting on planes, and having to continually manage all sorts of afflicted personalities and their different agendas. I thought I would be bored, feel left out of things, but instead, I feel quite liberated!

I know of course, that I must earn my keep somehow. But I also know it will come. One day at a time - one joyful day at a time...

Apart from my last post, I know this blog has been quiet for some time. But don't get me wrong, life has been whirl of activity since I was retrenched. Here is a quick update:

Outplacement - I have had several meetings with my outplacement consultant who is very ably pushing me to develop collateral to 'sell' myself so that I can get some cash flow going. I am not used to 'selling' myself, having been an employee for so long. Usually, it is sufficient that you have a j0b title and are employed by a certain company. That's all people need to know to place you. Now, I have to think of what I can do, and it is not easy. But I do not have a choice, someone has to pay for all that organic food.

Retrenchment package - I did indeed go back to my company with some requests in terms of what I felt would be a reasonable package, given their decision to retrench me at the worst possible time of my life. They came back with something better than the original for which I am profoundly grateful. It was only when they gave me the news that I realised how tired I was with all the toing and froing, the tension of waiting to hear so that I would know what the rest of my life would look like. I began having dizzy spells a week later, and realised that I had been doing too much, what with the rush to get set up for business because I thought I had to start bringing in the mulah as fast as possible to begin saving for a possible recurrence. After two days of rest, I felt better and am now more cautious about packing in activity back to back. And, thanks to my ex-employer, I am sleeping through the night again.

House move - I moved back t0 my own place about 3 weeks ago, and moved right out again after 3 days so that the place could be repainted and otherwise spruced up. I was living out of boxes, and without a single pot for those three days which made it easier for me too rationalise cheating on the macrobiotic diet. The old flat was a calm cream on pink on white. Very sophisticated and so not me. I think it was wishful thinking on the part of my architect. I have had it repainted a sunny yellow and a lime green. I really hated it when I first saw it but am now quite happy with it. Just goes to show you can get used to anything. It is now quite cheerful, and set to be even more so, when my biggest,most unreasonable extravagance arrives - wildly colorful wallpaper, courtesy of Designers Guild. I wanted some 9 years ago when I first bought the place but was unable to afford it. Not sure I can now, but what the heck. God is good. You only live once. Let's just go for it!

Setting up my business - I am now the sole proprietor of a little business, called PUREcommunications. I wanted to call it no-BS Communications, so sick was I of the corporate soft soap that one has to accept as part of the workaday world. Everyone reassured me I would have a job after chemo. I always said my boss was trying to get rid of me - but everyone said I was imagining it. Well, yesterday I talked to someone in the company, and listening to her rundown of the latest and greatest, I actually found my mind wandering. In the past, every word would have had my full attention. Now, I really cannot be bothered. I wonder why people put up with such nonsense - having to suck up, flatter, cajole. To pretend that your manager is a genius, to swallow all sense of pride and grovel to the most undeserving. How can people live with themselves? Really, life's too short for BS. It's days off our life spans. It's time for pure communication, clean communication, meaningful communication. Let's just cut the bs and move ahead. Yeah.

Catching up with friends - this is one area in which I have really been magnificently blessed. Friends have come out of the woodwork and I am so grateful for these people, people whose help I have done absolutely nothing to deserve. They have been introducing me to their business contacts so that I market my fledgling business. I am not ready, I whinnied to one, I don't think I can do anything apart from the odd writing job. My timidity (hahahaha, but yes, it is true!) was over-ridden. People have had so much more faith in me than I have in myself.

I thought things would be slow. I had envisioned myself getting the odd writing job, that it would take months before I got to real PR. Now, it looks like it might happen alot sooner. Thank God. I am so buzzed now, creating my own brochures, collateral etc. Playing with colour and typeface. It really has the potential of being everything and anything I want it to be. No-one else. Just me.

Pilates, yoga and qigong - yes, trying to vary the exercise routine. Have been very lax about jogging since I moved out on my own. I will redouble my efforts tomorrow. Have also been slack about the diet. Too easy to run down to the food court and get some popiah. I now see how I dislike cooking for myself. All that washing really takes its toll on your hands, and at my age, it is an uphill battle keeping the paws soft and lily white. I don't want to wash anything. I guess I have to remind myself it is a choice between crepey, onion-skin hands and a recurrence. There. That puts things in perspective.

That's about it for now. Have a few more things I am chewing over. But I think I have enough on my plate for now. Watch this space, though. I am living in extraordinary times. You never know what's round the corner!

I had a PET scan done on Wednesday. It is now Friday morning. I know the results were sent to my oncologist's office on Thursday morning. Yet, I have not yet heard back. When I rang the clinic today, the receptionist tells me: Can't you wait till next Tuesday when you see Dr Wong?"

Well, in short, the answer is 'No'. Absolutely not. Why do I have to wait? Why should I wait to hear if a life-threatening disease has returned? I can only think of one reason - that they found something. That's why I have to wait to see the doctor, so she can deliver the bad news face to face.

Ok. Even while writing this post, I received a call saying the scans were clean, except for some spots on the bone which were 'not significant'. I was so relieved I forgot to ask if that was all they found. I guess so.

You know, I understand that if you deal with cancer patients all day long, that you get a little blase about things like their anxieties. But I am my only cancer patient. I am all I have and I am NOT blase. As I said to someone whose mother has just been diagnosed with cancer, vigilance is key. I have always taken my health for granted. Ailments in the past have always been fixable with an antibiotic or two. I am now paying for my lack of vigilance with breast cancer.

Now, every ache, every twinge, has to be monitored. If it does not go away in 10 days, it has to be investigated. I journal every little symptom so I know I am not imagining things or getting hysterical. Yes, vigilance is key - and you cannot rely on your doctors to be vigilant, although you have to trust they will do their best. With cancer, I am reaching new and tiring levels of self-reliance. It is me, myself and I in this battle. That's it. That's all.