I cannot stand Singapore. There. The pressure-cooker cooks up unpleasant, tense people. And the government, thinking that this breeds exceptional people, intends to keep the pressure on. In my Zen-like state (complete with hair-do), I find this rather tiring and simply draining.

Today, I was in my usual good mood. Why not, after all, I am still on leave from work, and basically have only myself to please. During the course of today, I ran into two people from IBM -yes, Big Blue, with whom I used to work and which, contrary to many opinions, I thought was one big behemoth that simply proved that that was a God - ie, how had it stayed in business for so long, prospering for so long? it had to be nothing less than a miracle. Size does matter.

The first person was someone I worked with 5 years ago, who had a been a very nice, polite mild-mannered type. Today, not recognising me, he gave me a ticking off for having the gall to veer into his path as he powered his way down a sidewalk. I was struck dumb, had no terse reply - blame it on residual chemo-brain.

The second person I had coffee with. Even before sitting down she had launched into a litany on her new (and impossible) job, all the while shaking her legs and thrumming her fingers on the table.

Both reminded me of myself and what it was like to be on the fast track and the toll it takes on you. You have to live, eat and breath your job. There are not enough hours in the day to do all that needs doing. People cannot converse - they have to spit it out, and get on with it - pronto! The job consumes you, and who you are depends on the last performance appraisal and whether your colleagues like you.

Question: are these two people really happy? I look back at my life and I recall people asking me: are you really happy? What's not to be happy about, I replied. I have a great job, am doing well, and have prospects. Why shouldn't I be happy.

Well, at this point in my life, looking back, looking around at these other people, I realise that they cannot be happy, as I was not happy. That in fact, although currently a cancer survivor who lives with the fear of demise on a daily basis, I am much happier now than I was before. And that, in fact, I really do not want to go back to the corporate rat race. I want to continue on the happy-ness path.

So, I did not have a quick retort for the guy who ticked me off. Does it matter? Not really. So, the finger thrummer has a great job and any headhunter would be able to place her in 2 seconds flat. Does it matter that I cannot say the same for myself? Not really. I am glad I am now able to sit down to a meal without hyper-ventilating through the starter!

I look at them, and it seems that God is reminding me of what I am asking for - a job in the corporate world, a paycheck, even while I want to serve and answer his call. He seems to be asking - remember what it was like? Do you really want this?

The answer is 'no'. I still need the paycheck, sure. But I do not want the fast track any more. I am not interesting in chasing the next promotion. What I am interested in is a job that combines a meaningful outreach effort with a good pay check.

Don't laugh! It is possible - we are talking about the God of Miracles here. So - fingers crossed! (And toes, too!).