Well, today I am living with the consequences of taking control of my life - my brother is not speaking to me. I wonder if I should get in touch to explain that when I said not to come round any more, I meant - to jog. Then again, I think to myself, why should I? I understand that forcing me to exercise and jog to his standards is part of his therapy, because needs to feel he is helping. But it ain't therapeutic to me, and I am the one with cancer.

Right now, I cannot support anyone else's emotional issues. Someone (a breast cancer survivor) told me when I was first diagnosed that I had to be selfish, then I should not over-exert myself just because other people need to feel that they are 'helping'. This is what I am doing now. Perhaps I could have been more tactful. But then again, perhaps other people could recognise that these are less than usual circs. (I know, I know, I do it to myself because I insist that I am normal and ok -which is true...for the most part).

For the first time, I need to take care of myself, and not everyone around me. I cannot fix everyone else's problems (which, being type A, I think I can!), such as my mother's ongoing battle with the TV/DVD/VCR remote control(s) and all manner of electronic devices, including the lights in the house(cannot read what's on the buttons, cannot remember what they all mean, ergo the TV is on the blink, lights are not working). Ditto for the mobile phone - for 'no-one is phoning me back' read: I have done something wrong but would rather blame the phone and everyone else).

Arrgh. Help!!! No wonder in the more developed West, all cancer patients are automatically referred to a shrink. Roll on the day when that happens here as well. Meanwhile, I will continue to focus on me and use my favourite coping mechanism - stick head in terra firma - when I have to. The meditation mantra du jour is: z-o-n-e o-u-t...