I am beginning to understand why people say God is sexist. If I look around at all my friends who are single career women, one thing that emerges is that our mothers do not understand us, or support us, in the same way that they support their sons.
In fact, I get the feeling, when talking to them, that our mothers do not think that women actually do real work. I work as long hours, sometimes longer than my brothers, and never have I ever heard my mother say: 'Oh, she is under alot of pressure.' However, my brother has to simply show up in a snit, and there she goes: "He is under alot of pressure.' When I am in a snit:' You are always in a bad mood'. Well, heck, yes. I am up at 9am everyday, on the computer from 9.30am to 7pm, with one hour for lunch, conference calls to 10pm, and I work from 10.30pm to midnight, with time worked in for 90 minutes of exercise, dinner and a shower, and yet - nary a word of acknowledgement. Mind you, I also have to do the washing up, some of the cooking and interpret every bill that comes in the mail because when I am around, my mother loses the art of reading.
It is these work hours that pays all the household bills, my cancer treatment, my legal fees and for the ineveitable trip back to Shanghai and the setting up of yet another house - and for all the things that are constantly breaking down around the house because my mother simply cannot anticipate and delays everything to the point that it does break down. I would appreciate some support.
It then is all my fault. Blame, blame blame. It is then my unhappy task to fit yet another thing - the light, the fridge, the clogged sink, the vacuum cleaner, the bloody mosquito that keeps her awake all night - without a word of thanks or acknowledgement. (If I were a man, she would acknowledge my contribution, but as her daughter...)
Never mind that mossies do not live for more than a week or two, there is apparently a mossie that is one of the Undead that has plagued her for 3 months now. There is possibly another explanation, but heck, I do not have the energy to figure it out. I bought an electric mosquito repellent - all it takes is to read the instructions (3 paragraphs) and plug it in. My mother reads the three pars and says: "what is a mat?". Another non sequitur: "Is there no mail today?" Well, I don't know, did you go check? Or when guests come: "I seem to recall so-and-so likes to eat this veg." Interpretation: 'I like this veg, and that's why we are having it."
God, I want to say this to you tonight. There was a reason I did not want to get married and have a brood of kids. I happen to like living alone. I happen to like being able to come home and be in a bad mood or a good mood, if I like, eat what I like, do what I like. I happen to like NOT having my moods affected by the antics of people around me. I happen to like being able to wake up on a weekend and do exactly as I like, not what someone else wants me to do. I happen to like being independent and happy. I am usually a positive person - unless I am living with a negative person. And I like being positive - especially now.
But here is why God is a sexist - our mothers belong to a generation where they were looked after, first by their fathers, then by their husbands. They naturally see the men as caregivers, daughters as people who are meant to be replicas of them ie, helpless, hapless, service oriented, meant to support the big strong men who are the providers - hail the big brave hunter-gatherer! And if I read the Bible, this is the type of stereotypical role most of the women in Bible play - think of Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus, Martha slaving away in the kitchen. Should we accept this in this day and age? How do women find their relevance in the Christian or biblical context?
God has evolved Asian women in a single generation from being dependent to being independent, to being the equivalent (or more) of men, but with more responsibilities. We have not yet been able to shed the way we were raised ie, as family care takers. Men are providers. Now, as single, working and financially independent women, we are both. Men simply carry on as providers - care is the woman's domain. Their wives, or their sisters, take on the roles of their mothers. Ten years ago, a behavioral therapist told me that there were alot of angry men in Singapore because the women are so much more capable, the men felt they were losing their social context. Well, blame your mummy, boys - and perhaps start to grow up. It certainly has been a long time coming.
Most of us single career women have decided not settle for a man, but a soulmate. If one does not turn up, well, we are ok on our own. Unlike our mothers, we have choices and we make them - to have kids, to NOT have kids. To not be trapped like our mothers. Show me a man who can survive in the same way without a woman - go on, I dare you.
Mothers of the world, the next time you begin to start to trade on your relationship with your daughters, think about the woman as someone else, NOT your daugther whom you raised in your image. Rather, this is a person with strengths, weaknesses, stresses and a life that is quite different from yours and what you expected hers to be. You need to recognise that. Otherwise, you are going to end up alone, because I assure you, with a career and no partner, having to deal with everything on their own with zero emotional support, and having to go into the office to deal with male bosses who are as needy as mothers, there is not alot of emotional strength left over for a whingeing, blamey geriatric at home, no matter how well-intentioned your daughters are.
I chose not to have kids. I never want kids - of any age. A mother, a companion, a friend, sure. But NOT kids - ever.
So, God, why are you putting me in a position where I am feeling more and more that my mother needs to be looked after - worst of all, by me, the child she gets along least with? The one she has always been at odds with? The one who deals with her the worst, who handles her the worst? Why not ask one of my brothers? Why me, God?
In fact, I get the feeling, when talking to them, that our mothers do not think that women actually do real work. I work as long hours, sometimes longer than my brothers, and never have I ever heard my mother say: 'Oh, she is under alot of pressure.' However, my brother has to simply show up in a snit, and there she goes: "He is under alot of pressure.' When I am in a snit:' You are always in a bad mood'. Well, heck, yes. I am up at 9am everyday, on the computer from 9.30am to 7pm, with one hour for lunch, conference calls to 10pm, and I work from 10.30pm to midnight, with time worked in for 90 minutes of exercise, dinner and a shower, and yet - nary a word of acknowledgement. Mind you, I also have to do the washing up, some of the cooking and interpret every bill that comes in the mail because when I am around, my mother loses the art of reading.
It is these work hours that pays all the household bills, my cancer treatment, my legal fees and for the ineveitable trip back to Shanghai and the setting up of yet another house - and for all the things that are constantly breaking down around the house because my mother simply cannot anticipate and delays everything to the point that it does break down. I would appreciate some support.
It then is all my fault. Blame, blame blame. It is then my unhappy task to fit yet another thing - the light, the fridge, the clogged sink, the vacuum cleaner, the bloody mosquito that keeps her awake all night - without a word of thanks or acknowledgement. (If I were a man, she would acknowledge my contribution, but as her daughter...)
Never mind that mossies do not live for more than a week or two, there is apparently a mossie that is one of the Undead that has plagued her for 3 months now. There is possibly another explanation, but heck, I do not have the energy to figure it out. I bought an electric mosquito repellent - all it takes is to read the instructions (3 paragraphs) and plug it in. My mother reads the three pars and says: "what is a mat?". Another non sequitur: "Is there no mail today?" Well, I don't know, did you go check? Or when guests come: "I seem to recall so-and-so likes to eat this veg." Interpretation: 'I like this veg, and that's why we are having it."
God, I want to say this to you tonight. There was a reason I did not want to get married and have a brood of kids. I happen to like living alone. I happen to like being able to come home and be in a bad mood or a good mood, if I like, eat what I like, do what I like. I happen to like NOT having my moods affected by the antics of people around me. I happen to like being able to wake up on a weekend and do exactly as I like, not what someone else wants me to do. I happen to like being independent and happy. I am usually a positive person - unless I am living with a negative person. And I like being positive - especially now.
But here is why God is a sexist - our mothers belong to a generation where they were looked after, first by their fathers, then by their husbands. They naturally see the men as caregivers, daughters as people who are meant to be replicas of them ie, helpless, hapless, service oriented, meant to support the big strong men who are the providers - hail the big brave hunter-gatherer! And if I read the Bible, this is the type of stereotypical role most of the women in Bible play - think of Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus, Martha slaving away in the kitchen. Should we accept this in this day and age? How do women find their relevance in the Christian or biblical context?
God has evolved Asian women in a single generation from being dependent to being independent, to being the equivalent (or more) of men, but with more responsibilities. We have not yet been able to shed the way we were raised ie, as family care takers. Men are providers. Now, as single, working and financially independent women, we are both. Men simply carry on as providers - care is the woman's domain. Their wives, or their sisters, take on the roles of their mothers. Ten years ago, a behavioral therapist told me that there were alot of angry men in Singapore because the women are so much more capable, the men felt they were losing their social context. Well, blame your mummy, boys - and perhaps start to grow up. It certainly has been a long time coming.
Most of us single career women have decided not settle for a man, but a soulmate. If one does not turn up, well, we are ok on our own. Unlike our mothers, we have choices and we make them - to have kids, to NOT have kids. To not be trapped like our mothers. Show me a man who can survive in the same way without a woman - go on, I dare you.
Mothers of the world, the next time you begin to start to trade on your relationship with your daughters, think about the woman as someone else, NOT your daugther whom you raised in your image. Rather, this is a person with strengths, weaknesses, stresses and a life that is quite different from yours and what you expected hers to be. You need to recognise that. Otherwise, you are going to end up alone, because I assure you, with a career and no partner, having to deal with everything on their own with zero emotional support, and having to go into the office to deal with male bosses who are as needy as mothers, there is not alot of emotional strength left over for a whingeing, blamey geriatric at home, no matter how well-intentioned your daughters are.
I chose not to have kids. I never want kids - of any age. A mother, a companion, a friend, sure. But NOT kids - ever.
So, God, why are you putting me in a position where I am feeling more and more that my mother needs to be looked after - worst of all, by me, the child she gets along least with? The one she has always been at odds with? The one who deals with her the worst, who handles her the worst? Why not ask one of my brothers? Why me, God?
posted by Simone @ 11:36 PM
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