Well, it is the week before chemo again and it is the usual rush, rush, rush. And I am beginning to hate the new regimen I am on.It may be easier to take in terms of less constipation and less of a wierd feeling, but the side effects are much more evident - with FEC, my gums did not bleed, my toe nails did not fall off and I actually felt really great after about Day 8 - 10. Now, my gums bleed, my toe nails/nail beds are beginning to die, and I feel tired alot of the time. Not tired to fall asleep during the day, or sleep longer at night, mind. Just tired enough to still push on in spite of it.

I hate it. It is reminder of what is happening to me and that no matter how much I try to stick to the macrobiotic diet, and exercise (am up to one and a half hours each day - jog, tai chi and climb up 11 flights of stairs to apartment) I cannot run away from it. It is frightening to see/feel your body deteriorating, despite everything you are doing to get better. Once again, one is not in control. In actual fact, with cancer, there is no 'better'. There is just cancer that is evident, and then there is cancer that is non-evident. But the cells are there, prowling about, just waiting to take hold.

I went to see the radiation oncologist today - again, another scary round of side effects to wait for. At best, I will experience sunburn-like side effects, at worst the skin will deteriorate and peel off, exposing raw flesh, there could be some pain and I could lose the use of my arm. Oh, only one in a hundred experience that. Good grief, I have cancer - can I really expect to get lucky and be one of the 99 instead? Fingers crossed!

After six rounds of dose-dense chemo, I will still have cancer cells in me, which hopefully the radiation will kill.

In addition, I am told that tamoxifen, which will reduce the risk of recurrence, will also cause me to gain weight - breast cancer survivors report a range of 10 - 30 lb in weight gain. No, exercise will not help, nor will dieting. Most say the weight is there to stay. Not exactly reassuring, considering that breast cancer occurs in fat cells.

So, now, it is back to strict macrobiotics, only in smaller portions and more intense exercise. Got to get down to under my ideal weight asap before tamoxifen.

I am losing my grip - literally. I am dropping things all the time and I wonder if this is a sign of the neuropathy - loss of feeling in extremities. I do not close my fingers fast enough around the objects, so they fall. This is permanent, I'm told.

And, to round it off, I am losing my short term memory. Some days I feel I am min a fog and I cannot recall what I heard on the radio just seconds ago. Really.I find myself forgeting the simplest things - oh, why did you take out the onions again when I just put them away? Oh, did I not actually put them away? This is permanent and of course, being such a dedicated corporate soldier, my first thought was: how will I function in the workplace like this? Now, I am down to searching for books on how to stop Alzheimers' on Amazon.com. Maybe the mental exercises will help.

The only good thing is that - finally! - menopause has started. No period pain for the first time ever! Wonderful. Cannot wait to have the lot out. Mayhap the hysterectomy will mean more weight loss?

Must remind self - every cloud has a silver lining! Gotta look for, and antipate, them, and hope for the best. Got side effects? Well, at least I'm still alive to see another day...So, bring it on! Yeah. Ok.