You know, the journey of cancer is one that forces us to be flexible. What this means is that increasingly, we have to learn to let go, and to focus just on what is important.

I have had a rough few days - my mother and her stress, the fact the the email went down and I lost connectivity right before a major holiday in China, so I will have to work all weekend to catch up, cooking up a family gourmet macrobiotic lunch on Thursday (ok, so I pigged out on non-macrobiotic roast duck and pork), both fridges in the house AND the cable TV box breaking down, and a 5 hour conversation with the Singapore Telecom guys trying to get my email up.

To top it all off, I have major pain in my joints, so my daily jogs may have to go the way of the dodo for now. Oh, and by the way, I have chemo-brain ie, memory lapses and delusions. In other words, I am turning into my mother!

I ask myself, though, would that be such a bad thing, to turn into my mother? In looking back at her life, her childhood (and it was not all plain-sailing), and looking at her today, I think my mother is to be congratulated. She is a survivor.

In a strange way, when I now hear people tell me that I am showing strength and courage, I see my mother in all of this, with her ability simply to just 'get on with it', to do what needs to be done - grumbling all the time, to be sure, but she does step up.

In spite of the fact that my siblings see my mother as negative, I see her as being indomitable. Sure, we will fight, disagree, shout at each other and boost each other's stress levels. And yes, we are diametrically opposed personalities.But ultimately, she has survived a lifetime of challenges and has still managed to be a giving person, even mellowed. Yes, there are regrets and sometimes bitterness. But these are being tempered by age, loneliness, acceptance.

It is easy to condemn our mothers - but the fact that we can stand on a distant shore and look back at them, and can take that different perspective, is to me the ultimate testimony of successful mothering. We can. I can.But only because my mother made it possible through her sacrifice for us. She worked to put us through school, bugged us about our homework, made us concious that we had a responsibility to graduate and get a good job to support ourselves with. She raised three kids who still love her, even if we find it difficult to live with her. Her sons, for example, will never hear anything negative said about their mother - unless they are the first to say it, of course. But that is only between us siblings.

I actually don't think that even five months ago, I would have had this perspective of my mother. But now, with cancer, I am learning that I cannot control all things, that there are some things I must let go of, and leave to God. Much of my mother falls into this category. She has survived a lifetime - you cannot expect to do so unscathed, unchanged.

Today, I am changed, but only because of her love and example. She has problems and issues - who doesn't? Will she be able or willing to take the steps to help herself? I don't know. I doubt it.

Can I do anything about it? Would she listen to me, her mere daughter? I know she won't, I am not one of her sons.

The only thing I can do is be a daughter to her. I won't be the best, I know. But I will be there.