I wonder what happened to the concept of the aged being the revered elders of the tribe, where our elders were looked to for wisdom, and guidance, whose stories we could rely on to light our own way forward? Now, as I look around at my relatives, I find that the old are struggling for continued relevance.

As someone squarely at middle age (or past it, depending on if one is a pessimist or optimist), and who is ageing 10 years before her time due to forced menopause and chemo fog, I have had occasion to understand how people who are older feel.

For one, they are increasingly marginalised. Once upon a time, they were considered vital. They were breadwinners, essential to the survival of their children. Once the kids become adults and independent, the role of care giver is no longer important. The kids begin to make sure they know in no uncertain terms that they are not needed any more, part of the typical growing up process. Once the grand-kids come along, the older generation become caregivers once again, but not essential in the same way.

Secondly, they were once on the up-and-up in the corporation. In Singapore, however, once they hit 40, it begins to dawn on them that they are being sidelined and pastures are being identified for them. The technologies and processes they were once expert in are no longer relevant and they are pushed to learn new technologies and skills, all the while looking at the younger, more aggressive executives nipping at their heels.

This past holiday season, I had the opportunity to catch up with several older relatives and one thing seemed abundantly clear - our elderly folk are all struggling to find relevance. One of my uncles, at age 75, told me he works 10 hours each day. I thought he meant running his business. His wife later told me he watches news programs and makes notes on the latest and greatest. His kids are all fairly well off now. Once he was king of the castle and ruled it with an iron fist. Now, his kids barely speak to him because his world view is completely out of synch with theirs.

Another one of my uncles refuses to leave his neighbourhood in the east coast, hates going out to eat and certainly will not make a 15 minute drive - it's too far for him, so we hardly ever see him.

Finally, I look at my mother - scatty, and needing guidance on simple decisions such as: can I put the pecan pie in the freezer? Or the hinge on the window is wonky. The solution: don't open the window, rather than: get the window fixed.

There seems to be a certain amount of trepidation of stepping outside an increasingly smaller comfort zone. All these answers which I toss back at her are those that she taught me. Yet, now, she does not seem to know the answers. Has she gone senile?

By contrast, I know people who are the exact same age as my mother, who are still vital, still working, still travelling, still participating in life to the fullest. So I know this is not a consequence of advancing years. I think it is a grasping for relevance. Relevance, being needed, keeps us youthful and alive.

For example, by asking stupid questions, our parents are seeking the comfort that someone cares enough to respond, and engage with them. By talking endlessly and repetitively about the minutiae of their days, they are seeking to share with us their thoughts. I am reminded of a small child who, when you see them, hauls out all his toys to show you, or begins in baby-talk to tell you about their kindie friends, or their favourite sweeties. They are sharing things that are important to them and showing you, at the same time, that they are according you a gilt-edged invitation to enter into their world. We do it with alacrity for toddlers, but we are less enthusiastic about our parents.

Having said that, though, I have to admit that it is hard to take day in and out. We are so used to thinking of our parents as the adults in the relationship, as the ones who taught us things and who are supposed to know better. When they begin to act 'less than', we get impatient. We think they are not making an effort to be more cognisant, that they are getting mentally lazy. Perhaps it even scares us that they are growing old and will leave us one day - and so we try to make them what they used to be.

As someone who knows what it is like to be shunted aside because of a physical development that I cannot help, I think giving our elders relevance is the answer. The trouble is that our culture does not foster this attitude. Most of the older generation of Singaporeans (indeed, most Asians), are used to a feeling of urgency, of focus - working to earn their living, put food on the table, put the kids through school. "Wait till I retire", is the much-used refrain. But what happens after retirement? There is a whole lifetime waiting for all of us once we are turfed out of the company and my people in my parents' generation never planned for it.

I and my friends will be in the first generation of Singaporeans to have grown up without the sense of strife. I wonder how we will greet retirement? I wonder how we will find relevance in a country where the government and society has no time for retirees and the prevailing attitude is one of condescension. Considering we seem to be turning into a gerontocracy, one would expect the opposite.

The solution is, I believe, to look for work/life balance, to begin planning retirement at 40, to find one's bliss - process which can take years. The job does not satisfy most people, it's just a means to an end. We need to start the seach way before we retire, so that we can build a plan to stay relevant, needed and contributing through the golden years. We need to learn how to put ourselves first again - not the kids, not the job, not even our country. Us.